Enough

There are not enough hours in the day.
Days in the week.
Weeks in the month.
You get the point...

It's summer.
I'm a teacher.
I don't think I am afforded the luxury of feeling there is "too much to do" during the summer months.
(Of course, I realize this "luxury" is really a burden.)

I had to go back to school yesterday.
It had only been a week since summer school ended. Since I left.
What's funny though is that it seems so much longer.
That's a good thing, right? I must be making the most of my summer if it seems like I have been out longer.
(I have seriously checked the calendar three times to check that fact because it just doesn't seem right.)
Nevertheless, I was back at school yesterday. For a School Leadership team meeting.
And, I was just a wee bit bitter that I had to return already.
When I had promised myself a full month mental vacation from all things academia.
Once I was there though, things fell into place. I felt calm, in place.
How easy it was to swing back into the pace of school life.
I have had so, so... sooo... many jobs in my life.
It is unfathomable to think that I just finished my 10th year of teaching. At the same school even.
I think I will get a pin for my name badge (which I don't wear) this year for that.
So, it is a good thing that I feel so "in place" when I am there. Not a burden, just life. My life.
Yesterday, we also decided that the Leadership Team would come back together the Monday before the staff next month.
Which is two weeks before school starts. And later that same week I will have meetings to mentor a new teacher (I think).
That too made me a wee bit bitter. Thinking that summer, that has barely started, is ending a week earlier than planned.
Though not really planned because I knew about the mentoring, which would bring me in that week anyway (probably).

I thought that meant I "officially" have three weeks of summer left.
But here it is almost Wednesday, and I have done nothing this week. Plans made. Plans nixed.
Days wasted away.
So I knee-jerked and planned a family vacation.
At a campground.
I don't camp.
But we're in a cabin.
With no bathroom. Or "rooms" at all for that matter.
And no water or stove... or even chair.
I told myself that mentally removing myself from home, town, physical life would be good for me.
For us.
God, I hope I was right... I am having my doubts.
But the cabin is booked. Paid for. Nonrefundable.
But, I still have my doubts.
And now I don't look at the calendar and think I have 2.5 weeks of Summer. I think I have One Week of Summer after we get back!

I look at my Summer Bucket List. Good idea or No to make it a screen saver?
And I see those things that can be checked.
Some that are still lingering plans.
And several that have been done but I want to do again before time runs out.
Time Runs Out.
Now though, the Every Days are weighing on me.
Jason has gotten things aligned to be back in class full-time next month. Next Month! Very Full-Time!
I think about how crucial it is to get things cleaned and organized before Time Runs Out.
Then I waste some more days away.
I don't mean waste them away in a good way, which I think is quite possible. Quite therapeutic.
I mean waste them away in a fugue of disorientation, not able to get through a load of laundry or a recipe.

These days of  Nothingness, intentional and not, make me question how I spend my time the rest of the chaotic year.
School. Key Club. Relay for Life.
Question my roles in each. My time. My purpose. My reward.
Place the efforts and returns on a scale side-by-side and see which way it tips.
Ask myself if I am doing Enough. For every role in my life.
For family.
For myself.
I don't even know what that means.
I find myself often in this funk of dysfunction when I don't have Too Much to do.
I must thrive on chaos.
Or I just don't know what to do when the next immediate task to be done isn't immediately laying before me like a guillotine beneath my neck.
There is certainly much I Could do. There is certainly much I Should do.

I am talking in circles. Much like the carousel of my mind right now. My life.
Going in circles with no immediate destination in sight.
I suppose I need to just lean back, hold on, and enjoy the ride a bit? Breeze in my hair kind of metaphor?
I don't know.

There is no purpose in writing in verse tonight.
I am being a cheat. Taking the easy way out of not having to connect more than one thought to the next.
No logical progression of paragraph structure required.
Funny thing.
I wanted to use the word calliope earlier instead of carousel. For a moment I thought they were the same thing.
Thankfully, I Googled. Lord Google.
Not a carousel. However, Calliope was daughter of Zeus, lover to Ares, and a muse of epic poetry.
Just an ironic word blunder tonight for this "mythology" chic.