Monday, August 24, 2009


About 2 o’clock yesterday afternoon, I started to spot. It was very little and very light brown in color. After a few hours, I turned to that world-renown medical expert, Google, and surprisingly it didn’t make me more paranoid. Everything I read online and in my pregnancy book led me to believe it was not cause for alarm. It was the right amount and the right color to be “normal” in the first trimester.

Nonetheless, I went to the bedroom every 20 minutes or so to check. Nothing much changed until about 2 a.m. I awoke and went to the bathroom. The spotting was heavier; it was a bright red; and there was a little tissue. I was sure at that time that I had miscarried. Exactly one week after I found out I was pregnant, I no longer was.

I had a hard time falling back asleep but I guess I eventually did. When Jason woke up in the morning, I told him that I was bleeding through the night. He told me the implications of that didn’t register with him until later, when he was on his way to work.

I fell asleep again and when I woke up it was around 9. So, I called the OB office and they told me I could come in to see a doctor. I felt very sick this morning- both my pregnancy nausea and my normal stomach issues. So, it took a while to leave the house and required a bathroom stop during the 40-minute drive to the office. Jason met me there and waited during my visit. I had a hard time giving a urine example, but it was enough for them to do a pregnancy test. It was still positive, but I wasn’t foolish enough to think that was an important indication so early after the onset of symptoms. The nurse told me I was right.

It was my first time meeting the doctor. Other than the fact that he resembled my brother-in-law far too much to be doing the job, he was pretty good at all that “stuff.” He said I was looking at 3 scenarios: an etopic pregnancy, a normal pregnancy with spotting as a symptom, or an abnormal pregnancy. He ruled out the etopic pregnancy with the exam. He said everything looked normal and that 50% of women have spotting during their first trimester. (I’m pretty sure that’s a generous statistic from all I have read.)

I thought I understood what he was saying, but upon driving home, I realized I was a bit confused. In his office consultation, I asked if this could just be normal, and his response included the phrase “threatened miscarriage.” That’s with the normal not the abnormal pregnancy? I should have brought Jason back for consultation. His questions would have probably irritated me but I would have left the visit with a greater understanding undoubtedly.

The doc sent me to have blood work done. I’m severely dehydrated. She tried taking it from my hand to no avail and was finally able to do so from a vein on the outside of my forearm. They are testing my HCG levels and then will again on Wednesday to compare if the levels are going up or down. I will also have an ultrasound on Wednesday to see if the baby’s there. Then, I have a follow-up appointment with the doctor on Thursday morning to discuss everything.

Since I got home from the doctor’s appointment, I almost wasn’t spotting at all. Then, around 6, there is bright blood again. I can’t tell if I am cramping or not. I don’t know whether to call any general discomfort a cramp. Then, I will feel certain there is a cramp, and it is just gas.

I worked myself up to looking at the miscarriage chapter in the pregnancy book, but I couldn’t read too much before I had to put it down. It said that several days of spotting was a sign of miscarriage. I don’t understand how that correlates with the whole idea that it is normal for some women to spot during pregnancy. I guess it has to do with amount and endurance. It also said that a lack of symptoms such as breast tenderness was a sign. Although I am still feeling the general nausea all day long, my breasts are no longer tender.

I feel certain I have or am in the process of losing this baby.

Friday, August 21, 2009

It Takes Two Baby

For about a week, I was waking up with very sore breasts. I didn't think much of it at first and contributed it to PMS symptoms. It didn't really occur to me that it wasn't the right time for that. A couple of those days though, it did occur to me that it was different than the normal PMS breast tenderness. It reminded me very much of the times many (many, many, many) years ago when I breastfed the boys. There was a fullness to them, as if I might start leaking at any minute.

Then, it was kind hard to overlook the fact that I was going to pee a lot, like every 20-40 minutes, a lot.

So, on Friday night (8/14), late in the night after everyone was in bed, I googled pregnancy symptoms. In retrospect, I have can no longer refuse that I was in denial because even females that haven't been through this lil journey before know that sore breasts and frequent urination were symptoms of pregnancy. Web MD confirmed these suspicions. Then, of course, I deleted that day's history because I was being "ridiculous" and didn't want Jason to see what I had been looking at.

Saturday nothing significant happened and I didn't think much about it. On Sunday, as I was getting dressed, I walked past the dresser mirror naked and noticed immediately that my breasts looked different. I told that gal in the mirror, that certainly couldn't be me, "you're pregnant."

Nonetheless, I got dressed and engaged in Sunday's goal- to clean our bedroom. I tried to find a movie to watch as I did. Of course, every screen listed some movie related to pregnancy or babies. So, I settled on "He Said, She Said" and started to clean.

I didn't see much of the movie though because a mental flip switched and I decided to go to Farm Fresh and get a pregnancy test. Like a 16 year old girl with her boyfriend waiting in the car, I lurked through the pharmacy aisles looking for the boxes to no avail. Then, I saw they were in a locked cabinet at the pharmacy counter. Of. course. they. were. So, I had to ask the pharmacist for one... and yes, of course, I blabbered on to give the impression it wasn't for me. Something to the effect of, "She said to make sure I got the EPT."

I paid for the test at the pharmacy and snuck it, peeking over my shoulder and under stalls, into the bathroom. Why did I decide to do this in the public bathroom of a grocery store? Well, let me at least attempt to justify by saying that it is a very large and clean and moderately new bathroom... but mainly, when it said negative, I wanted to throw away all the evidence before I came home.

So... I tried... and... of course... for the first time in many days... I. could. not. pee.

I grabbed a large bottle of Dasani and chugged it as I unecessarily stressed over what kind of pasta to buy. Then, I headed back to the bathroom. I was a bit peeved that you were forced to buy 2 pregnancy tests. Was I supposed to stash the second one in my sock drawer to have handy the next time I thought I was pregnant?

So, the stick was wet. I placed the cap back on and rested it on my leg. It was a digitial test so there was a flipping little hourglass to show that it was working. The instructions said that it would take 3 to 5 minutes for the result. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and the ridiculous thing read "Pregnant."

Well, that can't be right, I thought as I suddenly understood the logic of including two tests and failingly tried to do the second one. I needed some "recovery time." So, I grabbed the few things I needed from the store and went across the street to Belk, a department store. I walked around in the baby clothes for a few minutes feeling completely numb. I considered laying against a rack, just so overwhelmed by it all. However, I realized how pathetic that would look and considering my already present "nonbaby girth," they very well may think I was a woman in labor.

So, I went to the Belk bathroom and took the second pregnancy test. Same result. Wow.

Thursday, August 20, 2009


I am 37 years old.
My youngest son turned 13 earlier this week.
My older son will turn 17 next month.
Two weeks ago, my husband had a vasectomy.

I'm pregnant.