Friday, June 3, 2011

Unpainted Toes

I am not going to bother with making excuses about why it has been so long since I blogged or why the latest reported health initiative failed, yet again... let's just move right along.

Tomorrow is the Relay for Life. This used to be the event that ended the year for Key Club. However, this year, just like we had events booked before our normal kick-off at Fall Festival, we also have events booked after Relay this year. We will be working with Habitat this upcoming Wednesday and with an AR carnival at one of the elementary schools this Friday. This is in addition to the two events I would not commit to because we were already so booked; one of them was a Saturday and I was just not willing to give up another one this year.

I have just now reached the point where I am so ready for the year to end. Usually, I have so much stacked on my plate that I push that creeping feeling until later than most teachers because there is so much I want and need to still get accomplished in the final days before summer break. Well, that point has arrived.

My good friend helped so much getting ready for Relay this year that this is the earliest I have ever wrapped up. Usually there is some last-minute idea that pops into my head that I stay up late into the night to complete... and then, usually decide the next day, that I didn't like it at all. This year, I had input and help and someone to force me to get an early start and to give me ideas how to accomplish some things in a much easier method than the schemes I was cooking up.

Nonetheless, it has been frustrating to look at Facebook tonight or text with a friend and read about the fun everyone else is having. I am in the mood where I want to be indignant and claim to be always doing for others and not myself. I really hate myself when I get in this mood, yet it is hard to supress when it creeps upon me.

I raced home from work today because I wanted to go to book sale at the local library. Perhaps sadly, I thought about it on several occasions throughout the day and was really looking forward to it. By the time I got home though, home issues arised and I could not make it down there until they were 15 minutes from closing. I was in tears at the loss of the opportunity to just wander through a room of books at my leisure and fill a bag for the bargain price of $5.

So, then I had to go to Wal-Mart to get supplies for crafting for Relay tonight and I was about to check out, before I realized that I forgot something and had to get back in line to wait all over again, I came to understand that I wasn't upset about the loss of more books to crowd my shelves but I was mourning the chance to take a break from the chaos that is life right now and do a little something just for me.

There is a scene in the opening of Liz Gilbert's Eat, Love, Pray when she is weeping on the cold bathroom floor to her unknown God asking for his guidance and she distinctly hears him reply, "Go to Bed."

On my way back to the fabric department to pick up the forgotten supply, I passed a display of women's shirts for which a white one caught my eye. One rule, quite possibly the only rule, of fashion in my life is when you see a white shirt that fits, get it. You can never have enough white shirts. So I grabbed one in 4X and in 5X and went to the dressing room to try them on (that will be fodder for another post soon, not now). As I stood, nose to mirror, peering closely at the wrinkled bags under my eyes and the hairs above my lip, I asked myself "what are you going to do now." And, as distinctly as Liz Gilbert describes hearing her response, so did I.

Get a pedicure.

This is where I need to explain that I have only once, maybe twice but no more, have gotten a pedicure in my life. Nevertheless, I bought a magazine and bottle of water and went to the nail salon. I signed in and waited, taking in those who surrounded me. Being such a novice at this, I reprimanded my ignorant feet for wearing loafers when I saw the one pedicure customer being slid back into her flip-flops. It brought the momentum- the plan to get bright purple nail polish in honor of Relay- to a halt.

I slid out of my loafers and I sat in the waiting area and looked at my feet. The swollen red toe. The disformed big nails. And had to admit to myself that I am as unlikely to wear open-toed shoes in public and I am to wear a sleeveless top.

I crossed my name off the list and left.

I got a movie from Red Box. The first time. And picked up Subway for Justin and me. I hate that IT came back to food. That IT always comes back to food. The movie was predictable and being so tired, I snoozed in and out during a great part of it. Although I do not feel that I misssed a thing at all.

And now I sit in bed. After midnight. An important day dawning tomorrow. Upset that rather than look forward to such an important day that I am a little sad, and yes even a little mad, at frieds who did and are going out and doing something fun, just for themselves.