The Final Highs and Lows of a Sophomore

I had been metally blogging, waiting to actually put fingers to keys, planning to write about exciting events in the boys final weeks of school. Then, a little wrench got thrown into that plan. Last week was the various assemblies and awards ceremonies at school. On Monday, was the Academic Awards Ceremony. This is when I also give out the K-Club Awards. Justin earned the most Key Hours again this year. Playing a third sport this year, I wasn't quite sure he was going to do it... and, honestly, I was hoping he didn't. Last year, we initiated the "McCormick Humanitarian Award," named in honor of our devoted sponsors for 20+ years. It was awarded to the Clubber with the most hours of service to the club. Justin won. He would have won this year too but I tossed the award... not that anyone noticed... because I just didn't want the ribbing or the drama about it. He told me driving home one day this week that he didn't like going on stage and they called him/it "gay" when he was called up. Yet, I know he checks every time I post hours to see if he has the most. I guess its one of those high school conflicts. Maybe next year I will remember to offer not to include his name and see if that conflict quickly resolves.

Thursday evening was the Sports Award Banquet. Justin won MVP for Cross Country. I should have had no doubt that he was going to win. He came in first for our school's team at every meet this year. Still, I was letting negativity get the best of me and was preparing to be confrontational if he didn't get it. I know it's ridiculous, yet I can't stop these dysfuctionally irrational ways of mine. I'm getting just a bit better about holding my tongue, but I have a far way to go with that. I made everything about the night miserable. I did not want to sit with the people who joined our table. I didn't eat because I was told their would be baked chicken and there wasn't. The only times I come close to living in the moment is when I am in this mode of negativity and complaining. I think I managed to dump it all on Jason and spare Justin, at least.

I am proud of Justin. Like with most things in his teenage life, I think he could excel further with more effort. Running comes easy to him. I wish would he would develop a drive to push himself in the sport... but he has that "good enough" attitude like he does about most things. We had not even left the school yet when Jason commented about needed to be ready for someone to be on his heels next yeat. I'm disappointed he tried to rob Justin's moment of pride like that. I know he didn't mean it to be detrimental and that he was proud of Justin because he came home and woke up Cameron to congratulate Justin, but he... we... need to find the right ways to be more supportive.

Friday was the in-school Athletic Awards and he received his certificates for Cross Country, Basketball, and Soccer. I guess he earned hashes or lil sports symbols for his letters but I won't get those kinds of things from him without asking.

As for the low. I have been at work until 9 or later the past two night. It's the last week of school and I have an insurmountable amount of work to get through by Friday. My phone died last night. When I came home and plugged it in, there was a message from one of the kids at school asking me if Justin was as devastated as Allie. I asked him what he was talking about although I had this sinking feeling I already knew. Yes, they broke up. After 7+ months, an eternity in high school years, the relationship has ended. I'm not at all surprised really. Justin hasn't been attached to his cell phone like a fifth limb in more recent weeks. I wonder how much being grounded from his cell phone cooled a relationship built on texting. They haven't did much of anything together in near a few months now. Honestly, I guess I might be at a smidgen of fault for that. I guess I could have planned things, but honestly, it seemed like Justin was game for whatever Allie suggested but if Justin were to want to do something, Allie may or may not be interested in coming along.

After collecting bits and piecies where I could because Justin definately didn't want to talk to me about it, it seems like a pretty mutual parting of ways. Allie said things didn't feel like they did before (welcome to reality chickie) and that led to them deciding to break up. Justin really gave me the impression that he was the pathetic puppy that told her he would always be here if she wanted him back BUT he apparently has no qualms talking to anyone other than me about it because his World History teacher (!!!) told me about another girl that he is interested in and how he thinks they have so much in common. He seems to be taking everything perfectly in stride to go from believing just last week they were destined for marraige to being single and evaluating potential matches.

I watched him some throughout the day and it was odd. They texted on the way to school but when they went in the gym to wait for the morning bell, Justin went back to his pre-Allie crowd and she went back to hers (just a few bleachers apart) and at lunch she went back to her table. She also crossed her name off the Cross Country list (and changed to hockey) and deleted me from her Facebook. It's like a time-traveled rewind. Like the relationship never happened... for over 7 months. I just hope Justin is as okay as he seems. Another reason I was not surprised by the developments was because now that Justin had his phone back, when I have taken it from him, there have been peices of lingering text conversations from 2 or 3 girls, not Allie.

I guess the timing is good with today being the last day of school. Justin is exempt from all of his exams. I am really surprised he passed his 3 SOLs. His grades are, of course, not where I want them to be... but we survived. Only two more years until graduation and I am terrified of what the years after that will behold for Justin. His options grow more narrow with each passing year.

Relay for Life 2009

Last Saturday was the Relay for Life in our community. The K-Club had a team for the second year. Last year we raised less than a thousand dollars. I found out about the different contests on the day of Relay and I spent too much time, money & stress on those and lost focus on the whole experience... especially when it became obvious that the games were all just politics anyway with no "real" winners.

This year I went into Relay season with the attitude that our primary goal was to raise as much money as we could and not allow myself to get stressed about any of it. I did pretty good with that goal, for the most part- except for a couple of weak moments in the final hours. The team raised almost $3,000. I can't be exactly sure because I misplaced an envelope of checks... that I can still find and send in (hopefully). We had the yard sale/ car wash plus did an in-school collection and the team members raised money on their own. I did remove one member that did not raise any money but have interacted with her since and there's been no drama, thankfully.

The theme of this year's Relay was "The USS Cure." We kept it simple using a tropical theme and I asked team members to bring any items they had to help decorate. NO one brought in ANYTHING. So, late Friday I gathered things from the Dollar Store and Wal-Mart. However, once pulling out all the decorations from last year's homecoming that I saved plus having some stuff Julie added to the cause, the only thing I even opened up that we bought was a tablecloth. The trick now is to make myself get around to taking the other items back. So... wasted money and stress.

During the Relay, we participated in some games, avoided others. But then, we were personally asked to make a team for the "Not so New" to Relay game. Justin and I teamed up and quite possibly could have won had they any idea about how to play. We were given 5 (I think) questions about Relay, but then instead of guessing if we knew what the other person said, they instead, judged if our answers matched. I got a little tiffed, but managed to keep it in perspective.

I blog this now, so hopefully I will look back next year at Relay time and remember how right I was to focus on fundraising and not decorating or competing... and stick to that purpose even a little more next year. It's a good way to end the year. I am surprised that we raised so much in basically three weeks. I had to carry the brunt of the work, like with most things, but I am okay with that and am keeping my expectations realistic with the teens.

One of the team members alerted me there was a pic of Justin & me playing the game on the local newspaper website. I am surprisingly not allowing myself to be traumatized by this.

There is a lot of emotion wrapped up in the Relay experience. I really cheated myself out of most of it. The Survivor Lap, this year and last, made me teary-eyed. I think the most devastating this about cancer is its nondiscrimination. Sure, there are risk factors for certain cancers- like smokers are more likely to develop lung cancers. But for most, there aren't. Anyone can and does get it. The number and proximity of those people is jarring. Second to that, I think the way in which cancer is more outstanding than other diseases is the visible, physical battle it has with its victims. It's a war. A shaved head. A chest with a scar where there once was a breast. The uncertainty of a life-span. The coming out of remission when you thinnk the battle has been won.

Jason could not go with me to the Survivor's Dinner Friday night because of his PRT diet. Then, Leannah couldn't go because she was too tired from the Senior picnic. So Julie came with me instead, and honestly, I would rather have went with Julie than either of the other two. She also came and hung with me during the afternoon of the Relay and stayed through the luminary ceremony. I'm knid of awed by that sacrifice of time because I have never had many friends and am less than rarely the recipient of such generosity... or people that just want to be around me that long. I'm a bit disgusted with myself at the jokes I made of cancer and Relay to her audience. I have had people in my periphery and extended family battle or die of cancer, but no one that I felt really affected my life. Julie's dad died of cancer though and she has a young nephew that overcame it. Had I been solemn and serious about the whole situation, I know she would have too. Instead, I joked about how "people with cancer get everything" and names during the luminary ceremony, like Harry Colon. She wasn't offended. She is not one to offend easily. But, I look back on it and wished, perhaps, I hadn't been so crude. I don't know why I do that kind of thing. I do it often, blowing off the work I do for many community programs and charities. I want to be "cool" for DOING it not for acting like it's all a fascade.

Reality is Surreal

Memorial Day Weekend. Saturday morning, I slapped the snooze button a few times before crawling out of bed to meet the K-Kids for a Yard Sale & Car Wash Fundraiser for our Relay for Life Team. There was a good turn-out of kids and we raised almost $600 after deducting expenses. It was a success.

Saturday evening, Jason & I went to Kincaids for dinner and to see "Wicked." It was splendidly excellent. I was so distracted by the people around me- from the obnoxious laughter of the teen girl three seats down trying to fake her undevoted enthrallment to the woman rattling her bag of nuts next to me to the old Japanese guy next to me after I moved that kept using his cell phone to see where we were in the list of songs for the production. Then, the guy that sat in front of me after I moved had just a few hairs gelled up in the front of his head that was unreasonably disturbing to my line of view. I wonder how much I let stuff like this bother and distract me and how much may be related to true anxiety issues. Walking out of the theatre there was a kid that kept slapping his folded program against his palm and I wanted to yell at him.

We had not yet pulled out of the parking garage when I was hit with this feeling of being removed from the experience. It was only 15 or 20 minutes ago that I was sitting in the theatre enjoying the play, but it could just as easily have been 2 or 3 months ago. I remember feeling this way after Convention also. I had just come home and shortly after walking through the door it was as if I hadn't been gone for three days having such a wonderful time. For Convention next year, I told myself that I would not take work and I would clean the house before leaving, so I could enjoy the expereince more and not come home stressed. But that doesn't really apply to Saturday night's situation. I want to live in the moment more. I want to be afftected by life more. I have to figure out how to do this.

May

May is CRAZY month. There's my Birthday, Mother's Day, and Teacher's Appreciation Week. It should be a very "Celebrate Me" month. Instead it's a very BUSY month. It seems like every charitable organization wants to plan their Big Event in May. The K-Club has something going on all but one weekend from mid-April until June.

This past weekend, we had events on both Saturday & Sunday. Neither went well. It should have been an easy weekend because all we had to do was "show up." I didn't have to plan anything or worry about dropping the perverbial ball that I always do. Saturday was a community day sponsored by one of the local women's club. This is the 3rd or 4th year we have provided the volunteers for this event. My kids work the games and wear costumes. I won't apologize for being boastful about my kids but this event could not happen if it weren't for us. So, am I wrong in expecting the least bit of gratitude for that? The woman that ran the event was... not nice. She was rude to my kids all day long and when I walked to restaraunt a couple of buildings down to grab some breakfast, she complained that I left the kids unattended. Prior to the event, when she had sent the e-mail requesting our help again, she made a snide remark about another high school group in the area. So, I don't really trust that she won't make comments about us now too. Everything the kids did was wrong from not wearing costumes long enough to giving too many prizes for the games to eating while they were working a game. And, there may have been minor issues, expected of teenagers, but nothing that was worth the attitude we were given.

Then, Sunday was the March of Dimes Walk. It was pouring and I was getting text after text from kids claiming to be sick as if the storm had blown the swine flu into town. All the posters for the event said the walk was to start at 1:00. But when I spoke to the coordinator last week, she said that she had to move the time to 2 because that is what March of Dimes had set. So, when myself and the 5 K-Club kids willing to get drenched for the event showed up, despite the reiteration RAIN or SHINE, no one was there. After driving a couple of aimless circles, I called the coordinator's cell phone and asked what was the event status. She said a bunch of cars showed up at 12:30 and they drove through the course. And, better yet, once they had returned as I am at an ultimate level of frustration over the event, she tells me that the region was short of their goal by $3000 and could I help raise that.

Tonight was the epidemy of the CRAZINESS that is May. After school I went to Bear Path Acres to pick up the geanie pig that Deb keeps"encouraging us to adopt," dropped the boys at home with Penelope (the new geanie pig), went to Roses to pick up Bingo Prizes and dropped them off at the Nursing Home for tonight's K-Club Bingo. While I am doing this, Jason is going around town trying to find us a place to have a car wash for the Relay for Life fundraiser Saturday. Then, I came home and spent my evening painting the cornhole games for a Habitat for Humanity fund raiser.

I wish I could be as energetic, organized, and benevolent as my life makes it seem I am.

Another Year... closer to death

It's 12:33 a.m. so I guess it is officially my birthday even though I will go to bed tonight and wake up afresh to the day tomorrow. I will be 37. I actually had to figure that out a couple of weeks ago. I wasn't sure whether I was 35 or 36. I remember faulting my mother for the same thing.

I'm very tired. I had to drive to VA Beach tonight (Thursday, school night) to pick up 180 boxes of donuts for the Relay for Life fundraiser. As usual, I don't feel like writing... but I thought as I came home and checked the empty mailbox tonight that how if at least I posted occasional tabs I could look back and actually remember what happened over the past year in my life.

The significant things that stick out in my mind right now are finishing my First Masters class, the award my K-Clubs got at Convention... and telling Jason to move out. Of course, how recent those events are lend to them being on the top of my mind.

I have felt profoundly sad all night. I eventually determined it was due to the complete failure I feel like as a mother. Justin is failing both World History and Biology. I don't know what his other grades are because, despite Jason's repeated request, the other teachers have not e-mailed us. Driving home from school tonight Just asked me what he had to do to pass or something like that. Then, he made it clear what he was actually asking was what was the minimum grade he could get this quarter and still pass the class. That kid. That kid is my kid. I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Yet, I do nothing. I do more for the world at large than my own boys. It's like those rich families where the parents are out jet-setting and the nannies care for the kids. Excpet we're not rich and there's no one left to care for the kids.

Jason called me when I was on my way to VA Beach to tell me that Justin was crying because his head hurt so bad. Something I've blown off. I'm pretty sure it's sinuses but haven't bought him the right medicine to try until tonight.

I have got to get my life in order.

Spring Break 2009

Jet-lagged and hung over from the return flight from Cancuun. Sunburned in precarious places after starring in "Mom's Gone Wild" videos.

Eh, maybe not. Spring Break, as should have been perfectly expected, began serene and productive, then raced by and leaves me on this final day feeling the anxiety caused by reoccuring mental lists of all that did not get done.

We let out of school at 1:00 on Good Friday. Jason had duty so I went for lunch (& drinks) with co-worker friends. One had a horrid day that made my school/work drama of the day seem a little less significant. I tried sangria for the first time... and second... and it was glorious. I came home at 4-ish. Opened both bedroom windows to a very mild and breezy day and slept (perhaps, even passed out... just a bit.) I stayed in bed the rest of the evening and through most of Saturday.

In retrospect, I should have gotten out of bed at 2-ish Saturday so I could have richly indulged in sleeping in but not have felt the tinge of cabin fever later in the evening. But, stay in bed I did... with the windows still open and the layers of green pollen on the dressers thickening. I watched a few spots of television and did some reading for my Masters class, but mostly I slept on & off. About 11 Saturday night I watched "Seven Pounds." Justin fell asleep early in the movie. I, of course, had no issues staying awake. Gut-wrenching is probably the best adjective I could use to describe the movie. That is how it left me feeling, a bit twisted inside... with a heaviness.

The big goal of Sunday was gutting out Justin's room. I had slated this chore for Spring Break a while ago because I wanted the image of what I though was a clean bedroom and what Justin thought was a clean bedroom to be congruous and I saw this as possible only with a fresh starting point. I had also planned for a while to paint his bedroom and bought a new bed-in-a-bag set for him (since his comforter had a pre-schooler train cartoon theme).

Monday I got the room painted. I walked away from it throughout the day, mostly to read for my class. The book, Ormond, was absolutely horrid to get into, but then the plot became interesting although the writing style would occasionally revert back to painful. I had forgotten how much difference a coat of paint could make. Even the process of painting could be stress-relieving... if I let it. Monday evening, of course, is also when I figured out the taxes.

Tuesday was basically an extension of Monday's activities. Everything was moved back into Justin's bedroom and I finished reading the novel for class. I was scheduled to have a mammogram at 3:30- my first- but I cancelled it for the sake of getting things done. As I went to post about my reading, the server was down... which means I could have just went to the mamogram and finished the book on the road, but oh well. Tuesday night I had class.

Wednesday we were supposed to go to Norfolk to get new IDs. Next month will be one year since Jason adopted the boys and I had yet changed their names on birth certificates, social security cards or military IDs. I had a lot of paperwork at home to do though- always so much damn paperwork- TAXES, bills, and something I needed to send Key Clubbers. So, I nixed the idea of going to Norfolk, which was really only a bad thing because Allie (Justin's girlfriend) was supposed to come with us and couldn't go the next day. The taxes were completed, but bills are still lingering and I fould an alternative- the trusty and teen-appropriate mode of communication...texting- to contact Key Clubbers about the upcoming project. Wednesday I layed around mostly, didn't accomplish much.

Thursday, the boys and I went to Norfolk and they got their new IDs. I met with Jason for lunch at the Mall. Then, he took the boys home and I spent some time alone at the mall. I lounged in Barnes and Noble for a while, mainly looking through the new health & diet book by Bethenny Frankel. I went to see "Sunshine Cleaners," which I had heard nothing about but looked the closest to a chick flick on the marque. Mistake. It was a disturbing movie about two sisters that start a business cleaning up crime scenes. A few too many gooey blood scenes made it easy not to finish my popcorn. I picked up Justin a couple of shirts. And, I went into a few shops in which I would never fit in the clothes. It was interesting to step outside of myself and look at how I handled being in those stores. If the clerk didn't speak to me, I figured they realized I would never fit into the clothes and thought I was wasting their time. If a clerk did speak to me, I questioned why they bothered since I would never fit into anything in the store.

On Friday, the boys, Allie and I went to Busch Gardens. I painfully was not up for the adventure. The traffic on the way there and waiting for the ferry on the way back turned a 3 hour trip into a 6 hour one. Not to mention the lines, and lines, and lines. Justin and Allie went off on their own. Cameron and I layed on the rocking swing and we ate and sat around and did nothing. Cameron is now too chicken to do rides and I didn't feel too bad about punishing him by making him waste the day with me. It was hard not to notice how sloooow I moved about throughout the day.

On Saturday, The K-Club kids went to the local animal habitat/zoo to volunteer 10-2. The day turned out much better than I would have imagined. I think the kids had fun and many were even inspired to help out more. Afterwards. We had lunch at Mexican (while Justin slept in the car) and then I came home and napped. After getting up, I started cleaning.

Today, is Sunday- anxiety in overrdrive. Jason, thankfully, has been gone all day with the boys fishing while I spin circles overwhelmed by all that I have to do and didn't do that I don't know where to to start or what to do.

Tax Day

Paperwork is my albatross... from the mundane task of taking daily attendance in class to paying bills on time to the big yearly pain of doing taxes. Two night ago... yes, April 13th... I finally sat down to do our taxes.

We owe. We owe $1,195.44. I didn't even have to look that figure up. It is seered into my brain like when you look at a bright light and then close your eyes and the image is seared into the back of your eyelids.

I have never owed taxes before, neither has Jason. He has two children from his first marriage. According to their divorce agreement, he claims the oldest on his taxes and the ex claims the youngest. Well, the oldest turned 18 in January of 2008. So, we can no longer claim her as a dependant, or get a child tax credit for her, and had not made adjustments to our exemptions to balance out the difference that would make our taxes at the end of the year.

The difference is $1,195.44. Jason faults me in the situation. It is my fault that I did not tell him to change the exemptions from his paycheck. It is my fault for waiting so long to do the taxes and figure this out. I suppose both of these facts are true. As the one who handles our finances, I should have been more proactive in the situation... seeing as how it involves paperwork, and seeing my admitted shortcoming to handling paperwork though, I did not.

Jason was easily able to on-line last night and change his exemptions so hopefully we've curbed this problem from happening again next year: this $1,195.44 problem. The truth is that I am the one who should change exemptions. Jason lowered his from 3 to 2. I think I am still claiming 5. We have almost the same taxable income (because a portion of his- being military, such as housing allowance- is not), but he had almost double the amount of taxes taken from his check last year than I did. The safeguard here for me though is to keep as much money as possible coming into the general house fund. For Jason to reduce his take home pay affects his personal bank account. I just dump my whole check into the household account (and spend freely from there as I wish) and to reduce my check would take from that.

I also decided to track expenses better and look more closely at the option of itemizing deductions next year. I began a notebook today in which I will keep a running list of all my charitable expenses. In surfing for a way to (unsuccessfully) make the $1,195.44 magically disappear, I found that I can take credit for the mileage I drive to volunteer. A small expense that will add up very quickly for me. I also would like to see the tangible log of my charitable deeds. I want to be a more benevolent person. I think logging such contributions will make that happen. Today I made a list of items not "worthy" of the yard sale fundraiser I am considering next month and then took them to Goodwill and got a receipt to attach to the list. I also made a list of the bag of Cub Scout supplies I plan on donating to the local troop.

I have not looked at state taxes yet. Since this is only a concern for me, and not for Jason- who by military standards is a Florida resident and has no taxes- I let myself put off the task too often. I am not even sure what years I have and haven't paid taxes, because, of course, my paperwork is not in order- if even existent.

I need to face that demon because in addition to the $1,195.44 we have had so many expenses come or coming up. We charged $1200 on a new washer and dryer last month (because the dryer died and I wanted the fancy ones and a new washer to match). I had a new shower installed for which I charged $1500??? interest free for 6 months , which is nearing a close, and how much did I pay during that interest free time? $0. We charged truck tires and a new camera (which is currently lost) on Jason's Mastercard the month before (of which he doesn't know there are still outstanding balances from the parrot I bought last summer and maybe other lingerers). Cameron is getting braces next month, which requires a near $500 down-payment. I am picking up season passes for Busch Gardens/Water Country tomorrow, which I could care less about, but feel obligated to for the boys... should be over $400. Ah, and lets round off this list, which I am sure suffers some major oversights with the recently threatening letter accompanying the resurrected bill for nearly $6000 for a hospital stay 8 years ago when I first moved to Virginia, jobless and insuranceless. We, thankfully, live well within our means and are not effected by "The Economy" right now... but I have GOT to cure my aversion to paperwork and get these matters straight before something else falls in my lap... or the sinking foundation of the house from several ignored leaks falls from beneath us.